Critically acclaimed author Greta Kelly breaks down the query letter and shows you the letter that helped her get an agent.
I assume you had the best of intentions here, but a more honest and more helpful approach might have been to share what your positive reply rate was before you had been a big five published author with a starred review in Publishers Weekly and a referral from one of the highest profile literary agencies in publishing. When you withhold those tidbits until the bio section - and discuss that part last - you’re kind of burying the lede.
Sure, you acknowledge it “helped”, but as written? You’re treating it as just one factor in your high response rate, as if the Enola Holmes comp was just as important. As if your prestigious success in mainstream publishing wasn’t doing the heavy lifting.
I’d love to see a follow-up with the query that got you Stephanie’s Kim notice. It would almost certainly be more germane to what the typical querying author is going through.
Thank you for your time.